Next Page ( Issues 11 - 20)

 

Issue #1

 

HIAWASSEE, GA  Sept. 18, 2004 -

      The Wild Bunch of Whiskey Mountain would like to disavow any knowledge of the new so-called "cat" seen roaming the neighborhood. Though he eats cat food left out for them, the seven felines that make up the "Sterile Ferals", or more commonly the "Wild Bunch", would like all local givers of offerings to know that this "cat" isn't one of them! Spokes-feline "Coco" of the Wild Bunch, seen below in a file photo in front of her winter home, sternly warned residents against leaving offerings out overnight. Coco admonished us, "While we appreciate the deference to our twenty-four hour routine, we would just as soon not encourage this sort of cat wanna-be behavior in other local wildlife. Please bring your cat food in at night, thank you."



Coco, Wild Bunch Spokes-cat.

     Other residents of Whiskey Mountain, representing the 'Possum, Coyote, Raccoon and Squirrel communities, admitted to occasionally partaking of offerings specifically left for cats, but defended their actions by pointing out that in no case was there ever a sign or warning left to indicate ownership of the free meals. In addition, these residents denied any specific knowledge of, or association with, this new "cat", and further stated that they routinely avoid it..




'Possum Community Spokes-varmint, "Fuzzy", pauses briefly for midnight interview.

     As a last resort we contacted a number of human residents of Whiskey Mountain to get their opinions as to the legitimacy of this new resident "cat", and though humans are notoriously unreliable as witnesses, one was able to provide a photo of the mystery "cat", below.




New neighborhood "cat", waiting for offerings meant for the Wild Bunch.

     Armed with this new and specific documentation, we canvassed the neighborhood in search of confirmation that this was indeed the "cat" disavowed by the Wild Bunch. Several of the human residents confirmed the identity of the mystery animal as a new neighborhood inhabitant, but differed in their guesses as to it's species. Failing in obtaining a definitive identification of the new resident, we have decided to go with the majority human opinion and call this a "bird". See photo below...



Mystery animal more associated with bird feeders than cat chow, labeled "bird" by residents.

     So, we bring another successful investigative report to a close by putting to rest this unfounded indictment of the feline community, and instead place the blame for destructive foraging where it belongs: on the birds!

Next week: Squirrels defend their mammalian status whilst pillaging bird feeders. Neighborhood cats unswayed. ‡

 

 

 

 

Issue #2

 

HIAWASSEE, GA  Sept. 25, 2004 -

      Much to the amusement of local residents, the squirrels of Whiskey Mountain were forced to defend their classification as mammals this week when many of their community were caught red-pawed indulging themselves in neighborhood bird feeders. Said Cheri Kitty of Bel Aire Estates, "I've studied squirrels all my life and never imagined that they might be birds. But then you know what they say, 'Tastes like chicken.'" Other feline residents agreed.




Cheri Kitty of Bel Aire Estates, squirrel afficianado and part-time lap dancer.

     Birds we contacted were not inclined to accept squirrels amongst their kin. Claudette Cardinal, a perennial resident opined, "Yeah, squirrels are warm blooded, eat seeds and nest in trees, but that does not make them birds." Frances Finch, a part-time resident, chimed in, "Indeed! Some of them can fly too, but have you ever seen a squirrel egg? And by the way, we did not appreciate last week's column blaming destructive foraging on birds!"



Claudette Cardinal and Frances Finch decline to accept squirrels as birds.

     Again we contacted human residents of Whiskey Mountain in an effort to break the impasse, but as usual our efforts to have a meaningful conversation with them were fruitless. Humans were observed to express a strong aversion to squirrels in bird feeders, and chased them off regularly, but their dislike seemed centered around the completely irrelevant fact that squirrels are big eaters and are thus an economic burden and an inconvenience, rather than an intelligent appraisal of their taxanomic classification and right to partake of avian food offerings.

     Fortunately, by complete chance we happened upon the mystery animal we were unable to contact directly for our last investigative column and were forced to label a "bird" for lack of concrete information to the contrary. When questioned, the mystery animal, whom we now know to be Beatrice Black Bear, expressed the opinion that food preference has nothing to do with species affiliation. "I, for one, have never eaten a mammal, and yet I am one. What does that tell you about the addage 'you are what you eat?'" We started to protest that we were discussing whether squirrels were birds and not whether they were seeds, but a sharp glance and a flicker of irritation from Beatrice convinced us to continue our investigation elsewhere.




Beatrice Black Bear, wrongly identified as "cat" and "bird", expressed irritation.

     Finally we were forced to confront the squirrel community directly, which is best done with some stealth when you're a cat.We waited quite patiently by the sliding glass doors for our chance at a quick interview and were not disappointed. A squirrel appeared presently and headed straight for the bird feeder!

 

Lying squirrel illegally indulges in offerings meant for birds.

 

     Before he could indulge himself, we pounced, and quite nearly knocked ourselves silly on the glass. The squirrel laughed at us, then went to work on the bird seed, stuffing as much of it into his mouth as possible until his cheeks bulged. Amazingly he was still able to speak intelligibly. "I bet you were going to ask me about this bird nonsense," we heard him say through the ringing in our ears. "We're not," he continued, "we're mammals like you." His condescending tone was not lost on us. At this moment a human took the opportunity to open the door and shout at the squirrel, as humans are wont to do. I did not allow the opportunity to put the squirrel's assertion to the test escape. I can now confirm his lie and tell you truthfully that squirrels are birds. They taste just like chicken.‡

Next week: Resident Persian says dogs regarded as "unclean" in Moslem countries. Is America wrong?

 


 

 

Issue #3

HIAWASSEE, GA  Oct. 2, 2004 -

      Most of us would agree that dogs are a nuisance and mostly useless in the modern world, but should they be illegal? Resident Persian Cheri Kitty says, "Yes! Moslems have known for nearly a century and a half that dogs are unclean. The keeping of dogs unnecessarily as pets is forbidden under Islam."° When we pointed out to her that she was clearly delirious, ranting about human laws and religions not pertaining to the worship of cats, she backtracked slightly. "I mean, hunting dogs and watch dogs are permitted, ie. working dogs, but should a dog lick a plate or bowl from which you will consume food it must be washed seven times, including once with sand or earth."° At this point we realized that Cheri obviously had gotten less than her usual twenty hours of sleep this past day, and we let her be. Given that disjointed tirade, however, we now feared for the premise of this week's column! As we departed, Cheri called after us, "And please stop calling me a 'lap dancer'. It's easily misconstrued."

 



Cheri Kitty of Bel Aire Estates, Persian-American and part-time lap dancer. Halal, not haram.°

     With our confidence in our premise shaken, we decided to approach a canine authority to put us back on the right track. We found Smiley Dawg of Bear Meat Creek hard at work on the front porch. "Yeah, this is what I do, and I'm damn good at it too. That's how I was elected to represent the Guild at State this year," she said by way of self-introduction. "You see, I'm yella and a dawg, and this here's a porch," she continued, for no apparent reason. Not knowing what to say to that we admired her fine yellow color. "Oh, you like it? Wannna know a secret? See that patch o' good ole Georgia clay over there?" She tossed her nose in the direction of the driveway. "Roll around in that for ten minutes, three times a day. I guarantee you'll be the prettiest kinda orange-yella!" Ok, we'd heard enough from this bitch. Chalk one up for unclean.



Smiley Dawg, Georgia Yellow Porch Dog Guild spokes-canine and filthy bitch.

     Following a good wash, we turned our attention to a dog owner for his justification for keeping a source of filth in his home. Ghengis, who lives just down the mountain from us, had this to say, "Are dogs 'unclean' you ask? Well yes, if you don't keep a couple of well trained humans around. It's taken me most of my eighteen years but I've trained my pair to wash my dogs regularly and feed them for me. They even use special dishes just for the dogs' food."




Venerable Ghengis and his two pet dogs, Sassy and Quincy.

     We were aghast, and pressed our questioning. "You can train humans?" we asked. "Yes, of course," Ghengis replied. "But it takes a great deal of patience and many years to do it right. I have these two well in paw. Watch...." Venerable Ghengis proceeded to approach one of his pet humans, who was dozing on the couch, and climbed right up on top of him! The human didn't even flinch as Ghengis settled in for a nap on this cushy bed. Now that's training!

 

Ghengis with one of his pet humans, essential for dog cleanliness and cushy naps.

 

     So, there you have it. Dogs, though unclean and germ ridden, can be safely kept as pets if you also keep some well-trained humans. Otherwise it's out on the porch with the canines! With that we bid you adieu for another week. Your faithful reporter, Jenna. ‡

° From: The Lawful and Prohibited in Islam by Yusuf al-Qaradawi.

Next week: Hummingbirds - Less filling or taste great?

 


 

 

Issue #4

HIAWASSEE, GA  Oct. 9, 2004 -

    Most of us are likely in agreement when we say hummingbirds are delicious candy but small enough that they don't fill you up. Our investigation this week is to confirm the conventional wisdom. First we had a look at our subject, tiny birds swooping and diving hypnotically around their feeder. Zooming, zipping, hovering in a mesmerizing aerial ballet that just makes us want to watch, and watch, and watch contentedly forev..... Ahem! Clearly this report will require some willpower to complete!

 



Where delicious hummingbirds receive their yummy filling.

     Not having tried this delicacy ourselves, and knowing that residents who've spent time on the streets have had better opportunities, we approached our roommate Cheri to get her opinion. "Of course hummingbirds are delicious. Look at all the sugar water they drink!" she said. When we expressed skepticism that an older, rather bulky feline like Cheri could actually catch such a small and swift prey she bristled, then yawned, revealing that she was missing several teeth. We did not accept that as proof of her experience and decided to move on.



Cheri Kitty, a former street-walker, can only show missing teeth as evidence of hummingbird dining experiences.

    Next we approached Venerable Ghengis, and managed to catch him just as he was returning from a foray on the deck railing. "Hummingbirds are definitely a treat," Ghengis replied to our questioning. "But I'm on a low carb diet right now... far more healthy." We wanted to ask him what "low carb" meant but were somewhat put off by his two large dogs, which greeted him at the door. We wondered if they, too, might be on a low carb diet.




Venerable Ghengis returning from a foray near the hummingbird filling station.

     After watching the hummingbirds near our own house for a while longer, we have become convinced that no one could actually catch one of the things. Their speed alone, not to mention their acrobatic ability surely make them uncatchable. Then we found the picture below on the Internet...

 

Beware the health effects of too many sweets.

     We think this picture speaks for itself. Taste great, but not less filling. Your faithful reporter, Jenna. ‡

Next week: Something went "bump" in the night. Was it you?

 

 

 

Issue #5

     

HIAWASSEE, GA  Oct.16, 2004 -
               
     Bumps in the night are hardly anything new in this neighborhood, but one can never be quite sure where they're coming from unless one is making them oneself. However, this wouldn't be an investigation if we were talking about necessary nocturnal noise. Based on local human reaction, late night noises are quite unwelcome, being both disturbing to sleep patterns and to one's feeling of security. For this week's column we decided to investigate these midnight shenanigans and get to the bottom of the noise making. Starting close to home, we once again approached Cheri Kitty. "Late night noises? Never bothered me," Cheri replied to our inquiry. "Considering your habit of tunneling under the bedspread, it's a wonder you hear anything. Now let me go back to sleep or I'll swat you." Cheri can be a bit rude when she hasn't gotten her twenty hours. Given how much she sleeps, we're relatively sure she's not the culprit, though she does snore.

     

         
Cheri Kitty, roommate of famous cat columnist, can sleep
 through anything and snores like a freight train.
         
         
      Failing to find a witness inside our home, we turned our attention to nocturnal visitors. Finding fortune on our very own deck, we managed to corner Frizz during a late night forray. "I'm too small to make any noise," Frizz protested. "If you're worried about sleep interruptions, you're looking for someone much bigger than I am." We could see his point, as he was scarcely half our size and we are quite the petite and cute kitty. Though Frizz was far from silent, the scritching noises of his claws on the deck were unlikely to wake a human.


Frizz, too small a varmint to make much noise.

    A little later we made the acquaintenance of one Bandit Raccoon. "No, I do my best not to make any noise at all," Bandit protested at our accusation. "My job is to get in, get some food, and get out. If I'm detected, I've failed in my job." We considered a moment and agreed. When we turned to tell him so he was gone.



Bandit Raccoon tries hard to avoid making noise whenever possible.

    We waited a while longer and were not disappointed. We heard a loud thump followed by the sound of heavy footsteps. Next thing we knew we were confronted once again by Beatrice Black Bear. We should have known. "No, I've never given much thought to it," Beatrice said when we pointed out how much noise she made, stomping around at night. "And I'm not likely to in the future," she added. Clearly Beatrice has little in the way of consideration for others, but with all those teeth she makes good points every time she speaks. About this time our human arrived and chased Beatrice away. Fortunately, she went far more peacefully than she arrived.



Beatrice Black Bear, noisy midnight visitor and birdseed raider.


Well, that's it for this week! Your faithful reporter, Jenna. ‡         
             
Next week: What are these humans thinking? Happy Hallo-what?
 

 

 

      Issue  #6    

HIAWASSEE, GA  Oct. 23, 2004 -
           
       We've heard rumors and seen things recently that make us wonder anew about the sanity of humans. For example, what is this thing they call "Halloween"? We  don't remember any such thing from last year because we were just a little kitten in a cage then. As we were contemplating this latest mystery, we were  visited by Midnight, one of the Wild Bunch. We decided to ask her about this "Halloween", and were shocked when she made a rude gesture at us!


         
 Coco's sister Midnight, sticking her tongue out at us.         
         
     "Why is it that everyone thinks black cats are experts on Halloween?" she asked us back, quite irritated. "I am not an expert on Halloween and have nothing to do with it! You'd best be on your guard as well since you're not exactly a white kitty yourself!"

 
             
                   
   Midnight settles down to talk to us seriously.


    Midnight was beginning to scare us. We had inferred that Halloween might have something to do with scaring but this was not scaring in a good way. We asked her what she meant.
 
    "Halloween is a time when humans go insane," she continued. "They have myths about cats, bad myths, and some of us might get hurt. I'd advise you to hide until it's over and humans regain their senses." 

    We took her advice and quickly looked for a safe place.   

 
             
                 
We're not scared... really!
 

     After a couple of hours, though, we became bored, and more than a little stiff in the joints. Could Halloween really be this bad? We should do some research!
       

   

Ok, we'll come out and finish our investigation.
   
       In our experience, humans can act crazy at times, but as often as not they're funny. We'll spend some time researching on the computer to get to the bottom of this. See you next week with some Halloween human idiocy straight off the Internet.Your faithful reporter, Jenna. ‡   

Next week: Humans go insane once again. Halloween week special.

 

 

 

 

 

      Issue  #7    

HIAWASSEE, GA  Oct. 30, 2004 -
           
      Last week we speculated about this annual event humans call "Halloween". After some Internet research we've returned to say that we're just as confused as ever...
   


         
   Sobriety is an important factor in Halloween! 



                     
     Hmmm....


 
        

                 
Ooookaayyy....


               
Dog involvement explains a lot....
   

     We'll be happy when this so-called holiday is over! Your faithful reporter, Jenna. ‡

 

 

 

 

 

Issue #8

HIAWASSEE, GA  Nov. 6, 2004 -
           
      Back when we were a cage kitten more than six months ago, we dreamed  of the "Great Outdoors", but our recent experience as a homeowner has threatened  to change our views. To gain some more perspective, we canvassed local sentiment  in order to find out if the Great Outdoors is really so great.

 


         
   We make regular surveys of the Great Outdoors from the safety of Home.

    As we usually do in situations where we need to tap into the experience of the streetwise, we approached our roommate Cheri on the subject of the greatness of the Great Outdoors...

    "Oh, you want my opinion of that, do you?" Cheri asked us by way of reply. "You no doubt see me running for the exit every time the door is opened, don't you?"

    In point of fact, we don't. Though she spent untold months savoring the out-of-doors, homeowner Cheri never makes so much as the smallest move toward going Outside. We'll        take that as one vote for staying Home.

 


                           
Cheri appears to prefer a warm drawer to the cold ground.

    Next we cornered Peanut, smallest member of the Wild Bunch, and we do mean "cornered".     

    "Please tell me you don't want to eat my dinner," he said, startled. "Last night Tiger ate half my dinner and I only got a few bites before a raccoon chased me away and ate the other        half. There are three cat offering sites on this mountain so you'd think I could get at least one full meal a day, but nooo...."

    We sympathized with Peanut and asked him why he didn't consider home ownership. Afterall, we have food and water whenever we want it.     

    "Live indoors? No way! Freedom is everything!" he replied. "Next you'll suggest I submit to being brushed or...," he shivered, "...bathed!"     

    The abject fear in his eyes was palpable. Though we love being brushed we prefer to bathe ourselves. We would think that there should be some happy medium between Wild and Home.


                
  
                   
    Peanut, smallest member of the Wild Bunch, perpetually "startled".

    If anyone on the mountain would know about balancing indoor vs outdoor life it would have to be Smokey, as he recently moved in with Ghengis in the house below us but still runs with the Wild Bunch from time to time.     

    "Knowing when to come in from the cold... that's the secret," Smokey replied to our questioning. We pointed out that it has been unseasonably warm of late but he just shook his head. "No, the cold, cold world of fending for yourself. You may have heard the term 'dog eat dog' but it's really 'everything eats cat'. Still, I love the freedom and will keep that option 'till it kills me."     

    And well it might, we thought.

   


Thrill-seeker Smokey demands his right to roam.

    So, with new-found perspective we climbed back into our window seat and watched. Someone invented windows for a reason afterall!

    

Oh, look... it's starting to rain...

     Your faithful reporter, Jenna. ‡

 

 



Issue #9 

HIAWASSEE, GA  Nov. 13, 2004 -


    We've noticed a strange phenomenon of late: the days seem to be getting shorter and much-coveted sunny spots are becoming more rare. Is this a portent of the end of the world, or just a major but temporary inconvenience? This week we set out to find the answer.

 


         
   Much loved afternoon sunny spot.

    Since our roommate Cheri is older than dirt, we decided to ask her if she could remember a time when there was less sun each day. She didn't immediately reply, so we asked her again. We got a loud snore in response. Sometimes we have difficulty communicating with our roommate, but as her behavior can become erratic when she hasn't had enough sleep, we chose not to wake her.

    

Cheri hogs most of the afternoon sun for herself.

 
    We noticed through the recent time called "summer" by humans that the days got longer and longer. We had plenty of sun to lie in and it lasted quite late. Eventually the days stopped getting longer and began to shrink. Now they've been getting shorter for several months and we don't know when they'll stop. We made a circuit of all the windows, then came back to check on Cheri. She was still asleep.

                      

  
                   
Cheri is still hogging all the sun!

    Still reluctant to wake her, we've decided that the sun must be planning to return. We've heard of the human term "seasons", which we've been able to associate with "Thanksgiving", "Christmas" and "winter", so we're hoping that like the time called "summer", whichever of these is responsible for shortened days will eventually end.

 
   

We'll keep watch to make sure the sun comes back on schedule!

    Until we begin to see the days get longer, we'll keep watch and hope for the best. Please turn a light on for us. Your faithful reporter, Jenna. ‡

    Next week: What bird to have for the holidays? 

 

 

 

Issue #10

HIAWASSEE, GA  Nov. 20, 2004 -

  In recent days we've been given to understand that a time is approaching when we will be forced to undertake something called "neverending bird eating". Now, we're not the least averse to eating birds, but they're much harder to catch than earthbound prey. What shall we have? A plump, flashy cardinal? Tufted titmouse? Maybe a couple of chickadees? Squirrel? How are we going to end up eating bird so often it becomes a nusance?

 


         
Air traffic control duty: choosing the right bird.
      

    Cheri, of course, is our expert on things which have come before... Cheri? Cheri? Oh, not again!

  Zzzzzzzz.
       

    Well, obviously we're on our own again this week, so will have to do some exploring. There has been recent activity in the entryway and kitchen, so it's our duty to catalog any changes in that area of the house anyway. And what do you know... something new!

 
  
                   
    If this is a bird, then we will be eating it for a while!

What kind of bird is this? Leave it to humans: it's huge, frozen and caught in a net. Can't we just have tufted titmouse instead? This can't all be for one human and two cats!

Now, what goes with giant frozen netted bird...?

    Looks like we're in for adventures in dining this week. Your faithful reporter, Jenna. ‡

    Next week: What's this? A new climbing toy in the living room or is it a giant brush?

 

 

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